Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
