i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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