a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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