Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
