11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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