4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
