I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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