I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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