when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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