in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You don't make any sense
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