We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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