Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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