So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
