Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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