you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
