Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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