She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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