mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize