I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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