It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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