Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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