Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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