That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
