I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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