brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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