After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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