The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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