we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
