god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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