Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
