i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
