Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
