I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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