i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
