why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
