Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
