he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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