Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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