God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
