Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
