i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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