i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
