I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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