i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dignity is for republicans.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a search helicopter?!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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