you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
