Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
