I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Sober January is a disaster.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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