girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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