when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
