you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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