i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
