Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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