ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
