Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
