Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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