Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize