but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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