I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
