Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
