We're facebook friends in real life
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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