i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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