im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize