he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
