do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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