Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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