meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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