I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
