She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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