I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
