Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
